WHY
by penelopestapestry
Summary: Teresa finds herself alone with her thoughts and many doubts after recent events. Spoilers for 6.9 onwards. A stand alone piece but has a partner story to follow from Jane's POV. Why has it all gone so wrong?
1. Chapter 1

**WHY?**

Teresa sat on her sofa in the dark, her knees pulled up under her chin, her hands wrapped tightly around her legs, clutching the old cell phone close to her, trying to stop herself from shaking.

**WHY** had she done it?

**WHY** had she gone for those pancakes?

As the tears began to spill from her eyes, she decided today had probably been the worst day of her life so far. Probably worse than hearing of her mother's death, her father's suicide, hearing Jane's message left on her answerphone; "I'll miss you." All of these paled into insignificance compared to her betrayal of her best friend and what had made it worse… his apparent acceptance of that betrayal. Did he really not care enough about her to stop her?

She looked at the cell phone clasped tightly in her hand and pressed the button to access his message, listening to it several times over. When the phone had been returned to her after Red John had been killed she left the message on it. While she was in Cannon River, she would listen to it when she felt alone and abandoned in the early days there; it brought her comfort. He had survived. Then the letters started to arrive proving he was still alive and safe, but she still kept the phone. It had become her security blanket while she waited for him to be released from detention in Austin. She kept it in the box with the letters he had sent from South America and the letters she had written to him while he was in detention. The letters that had been returned to her, unopened on Abbott's orders.

**WHY **hadn't she given them to him once he was freed? They had started working together again, except they hadn't. She couldn't remember when she had started avoiding him or he, her. Perhaps it had been both of them… and then along came Marcus.

**WHY **had Jane involved the team in the Art Fraud department case? The trap for the art thieves and killer had been fun, although those dresses Jane had bought for her; well they didn't leave much to the imagination. She had played her part and he his, keeping close to each other most of the time and they had caught the thieves in a weekend scam and the Art Fraud department had been trying to catch them for months. That was the talent, the enigma that was Patrick Jane. An eye for the con, a conman himself; simple really. Marcus was grateful; it made him look good solving the series of high profile robberies.

**WHY** had she flirted with Marcus in the vaults of the Art Fraud squad? Why suddenly had she felt the need to assert her sexuality with a stranger in front of Jane? Had he noticed?

**WHY **wasn't Jane in the room with the others when Marcus made his move; if he had been there she wouldn't have gone out with Marcus. She found out from Kim that Jane had been returning the stolen portrait to the widow, saying comforting words to her about her loss, while the rest of them ate case-closed pizza courtesy of Cho. The widow had written a letter of thanks to the department and especially to Jane. Jane hated being thanked, always had.

**WHY?** What made him so reluctant to accept a simple thank you? Of course when it was from a woman it was often accompanied by a hug or a kiss on the cheek and he really didn't like physical contact… except from her. The sight of him coming back into the bullpen wearing that scarf, thinking they were going somewhere together and the almost instant realisation that he was not included still made her feel guilty. He had put his mask back on quickly but she had seen the truth.

**WHY** should she feel guilty about going out with Marcus? Had Jane felt guilty about going out with Kristina Frye, or Lorelei or Krystal. What about Erica Flynn? Had he felt guilty about her? Perhaps he did feel guilt about Kristina, Teresa knew he did; and the others weren't proper dates, just killers he was trying to trap. Only Erica Flynn had escaped. Teresa found herself smiling for a moment as she wondered where that lady was now and then the tears flowed faster and silently as she remembered the video of Jane describing his ideal woman; Angela of course or was it?.

**WHY** on earth did she have sex with Marcus after the first date? She was still hyped up after the con, he had flattered her. Damn it he had asked her on a date, in front of everyone. She had hesitated but then…

**WHY** shouldn't she? It was only for pancakes after all … but then it had changed.

**WHY** had he kissed her in his car when they finished eating and left the diner, not just a kiss on the cheek but full blown tonsil hockey? It had been many years since she had made out in a car and she wasn't going to start again now.

**WHY **had she responded so readily? Was there something in those pancakes? Was she just hyped up after the excitement of the con? The embarrassment and confusion of waking up in Marcus's bed and realising she wasn't going to have time to get her car from the office and go home to change before meeting the team at the new case. She'd rushed away from Marcus, called a cab and it had waited outside her house while she quickly showered and changed.

**WHY **didn't Jane call her out on it? He was waiting on the corner for her and she knew he had realised her lie. "Car wouldn't start." He would have seen her car in the parking bay back at headquarters that morning. Must have been one of the oldest lies in the book but he said nothing, just asked her how had the date been. She didn't even look at him. She had to admit Marcus was persistent; date after date, several times a week, always followed by sex at his house. She was having fun or was she? The attention and flattery as a woman was a welcome change from that of being just a good agent; the sex was good, not brilliant, no fireworks, but good.; comforting, comfortable. Marcus was an attentive lover.

**WHY** didn't she ask him to slow down, take things more carefully, and get to know each other better, not just physically?

**WHY **was he moving so fast as though there would be no tomorrow; trying to push her into a deep relationship so quickly? He told her he thought it was the real thing, and he knew when it was the real thing.

**WHY** didn't Jane try and stop her?

**WHY** the hell didn't **she** just say STOP?

Then the bombshell and not just that Marcus was moving to DC accepting a promotion; a promotion earned on the back of Jane's scam. The high-ups had been impressed by the result. Marcus's fame had spread but …

**WHY** had he asked her to go with him, when they hardly knew each other, really? Then hinting that if she said no he wouldn't go. She could deal with him going to DC. They could call and SKYPE each other, meet up for weekends; she could have coped with that and she tried to tell him that he should take the opportunity, seize it with both hands and in her heart she thought perhaps he would meet someone in DC and the pressure would be off her. That would be it; a bit of fun and nothing more.

**WHY** did men feel they had to manipulate her into making decisions that would affect her life, her job? First Jane, now Marcus, except Jane wasn't pushing her now. He seemed happy to leave her with Marcus. She had thought perhaps he might be jealous, just a little bit at all the attention she was getting. Perhaps he could have invited her out one evening after work. Come to think of it Cho and Fischer didn't ask her to join them anymore and when Rigsby and Cho had asked her to join them for a drink, when they said Jane was going she remembered saying; "Count me out." She hadn't meant it like that but now…

**WHY **had she said that? It wasn't as if she was busy, or had a date. Even if she'd gone to see Grace for a girls' night… things would have turned out differently. Then Grace had been kidnapped and Rigsby had asked Jane for his help and Jane had willingly agreed concocting a dangerous plan that had saved Grace but nearly got himself and Rigsby killed. She remembered him helping Cho and Rigsby with personal dilemmas before at the CBI, even Hightower and LaRoche had trusted him with their deepest secrets. He'd helped her when she was accused of murder and had been framed by her psychiatrist. Finally he had come to trust her enough with his deepest, darkest secret but now they just didn't talk about anything.

**WHY** didn't she trust him anymore? She should have talked with Jane about Marcus from the start, told Jane straight away? After all he was her best friend, her partner…

**WHY** wasn't he trying to stop her, he only had to say the word and she would stay.

**WHY** was he being so nice about it all, instead of making sarcastic comments? His comments on Manet's Violets being a message to and about a secret love had seemed genuine and then he had told her she was beautiful. "Let your beauty show." He had introduced her at the men's club as "irreplaceable". Was he expressing his feelings for her?

**WHY **had she accused Jane of spoiling her date when he had genuinely discovered a crime, one with far reaching affects?

**WHY** didn't she believe him anymore?

**WHY** couldn't Marcus have just waited for her to make her decision? The shock when Abbott called her into his office to inform her that the office gossip said she was leaving for DC with Marcus. She hadn't told a soul; Marcus obviously had, and now the whole building probably knew, apart from one person. To be honest the one person who should have been the first to know. Now she was cornered, trapped. Abbott had made it quite clear she should talk to Jane. If she didn't she would lose credibility with Abbott and if she didn't go to DC she might still be in Abbott's team and have lost some of her professionalism that she had always prided herself on. In her mind she saw Cho's face looking at her with disgust, perhaps even ignoring her; Fischer looking down her nose at her and Jane with those puppy dog eyes, looking as though she had kicked him. Cho was her oldest friend in Austin apart from Jane, what would he think of her? What did he think of her? He would have heard the gossip and had to keep it to himself. He'd always supported her, welcomed her to Austin; but this might be the end of their friendship for him. Her mind was in turmoil; If she turned Marcus down now, he would be belittled in front of the whole Austin office, and she did like him enough not to do that to him, but it was her decision to make; her personal business and nobody else's. He had no right to tell other people before she decided. Perhaps he deserved to be belittled and after all if he was in DC he would be far enough away from the office. She wouldn't, she would have to put up with the snide comments about leading Marcus on. She could cope with that after all, the CBI had had a book on when her and Jane were going to become a couple in more than the friendship sense.

**WHY** couldn't Marcus have waited? In all the years she had known Jane he hadn't divulged any of her secrets and she had kept his… faithfully. She hadn't told Marcus anything about Jane and probable never would. After today she knew for sure that she couldn't trust him to keep a secret.

**WHY** had Jane stuttered when he replied to her questions? He never stuttered, always the glib, silver tongued conman, always so sure of his words and their affect.

**WHY **had he lied?

**WHY** had she lied?

**WHY** hadn't they told Marcus they hadn't finished their conversation? She closed her eyes and saw Jane's face; no mask in place, the shrug of his shoulders, the sideways shake of his head as she walked away; his tell when he was distressed, worried, nervous.

**WHY **didn't he turn and watch her go? He would have seen the pain in her face too.

**WHY** hadn't she been strong enough to have gone back to him, thrown her arms around his neck, burying her fingers in those blond curls and held him as tightly as she could? Sod Marcus!

**WHY** was she, Teresa Lisbon, bad ass lady cop, detective, FBI agent, such a coward when it came to admitting her feelings out loud for Jane?

**WHY** was Jane, the man who could read everyone, who could spot a criminal a mile away, who knew what everyone else was thinking, not see how much she loved him.

**WHY **didn't he love her? She had always thought he did, even just a little, although she'd tried to ignore it and he'd kept saying he wanted to protect her; that theirs was a platonic relationship. It wasn't. Lorelei had noticed it. When he was first brought back to the US and taken to Austin, he'd seemed so happy to see her in that interview room. She should have kissed him there and then and been done with it. When she brought him the socks and he rubbed them against his cheek, she was sure she saw more in his eyes that gratitude. Perhaps she was wrong.

**WHY? OH WHY!**


	2. Chapter 2: WHY NOT?

**AN: I was so anxious to post my first story that I forgot the disclaimers. I do not own the Mentalist or the characters. This writing is just for fun, (and there's not much fun in the show at the moment)… "The darkest hour is just before the dawn."**

**Thank you to:**

**Rosepeony, you were my first reviewer … ever, so you are special. Don't worry Lisbon is going to start to rationalise her thoughts and follow the evidence with a bit of a nudge. **

**clairebare and Guest for your reviews and encouragement.**

**LouiseKurylo; Thank you. I have to say I agree with you. Personally I find Pike's character quite creepy. He is either very needy, even more so than Jane, or something more sinister. I would like to explore that avenue but with the end so near… I fear it will overtake my thought processes.**

**WHY NOT?**

Jane couldn't remember the drive back from the hospital; he was on auto-pilot and didn't really care if he got back to the trailer park or not. He wasn't going to cry like he did when he left her on the Malibu Bluff but he sure felt like it. He was used to panic attacks in the morning when he awoke from his nightmares so he recognized his current symptoms and used as much biofeedback as he could possibly muster to control them. The bottom had fallen out of his world, his heart was truly broken and he found himself gasping for air to fill his empty lungs. Agent Pike had sucked the very life out of him in one brief moment after less than a month.

A few hours later, he knew he was wallowing in self-pity. **WHY NOT?**

He lay huddled on the couch in his beloved Airstream. Six empty bottles of beer lay in the small sink, a shot glass was on the draining board next to the nearly empty bottle of whiskey and on the table sat a cup of ginger and lemon tea, a pathetic attempt to settle his stomach, along with a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water for the headache that was bound to follow. Forget the biofeedback he would just surrender to it. He had deliberately left the lights off and drawn the curtains, locking the door as well which he didn't normally bother to do. He was truly alone now; perhaps he was better off that way. That way he couldn't hurt anyone, just himself. After the panic attack subsided, the beer and the whiskey finished; he felt cold and shivery so had taken the blanket off the back of the couch to wrap around himself. He'd just spend the night here on his couch. **WHY NOT?**

"Pancakes" he shouted out to the air around him. Thirteen years ago Teresa Lisbon had taken him in as a broken wreck of a man, watched over him, protected him and helped him recover and repair but now it was over. They had become friends, close friends, partners… She had even helped and supported him in finding and eventually destroying the man who had ruined his life by killing Angela and Charlotte, and in helping him she had destroyed her own career. He had seen a chance, a glimmer of hope that he could put that right and hoping that then they would move on together. He allowed Abbott to bring him back to the US, he **had** put it right, but she didn't want him anymore and was moving on with someone else to live thousands of miles away. The best human being to come along in the whole of his sorry life since Angela and Charlotte were killed, had met someone else. No! It was worse than that; he had actually introduced her to Pike: and within a month of meeting and flirting with him in that Aladdin's cave of treasures, she was prepared to give up everything for this new man. Agent Pike had taken her out for pancakes and then she'd spent the night with him. PANCAKES! He remembered a long time ago telling her; "I would never seduce you over a meal." Perhaps he should have… and it certainly wouldn't have been pancakes! **WHY NOT?**

She was hearing what he said but she wasn't listening. For the art scam he'd given her the role of his girlfriend: his partner, keeping her close to him all the time. He told her the story of the secret love behind "Violets". He'd told her she was beautiful, at the men's club he had described her as irreplaceable, and pretended to stumble when making his way to the chair on the stage for the magic act, just so that he could feel her touch warming him. She'd brushed her hand gently against his, her arm lay across his back, as she guided him to the chair and it sent a shiver through his whole body. She'd laughed and giggled and for a moment he thought she understood his messages. "Let your beauty show". Perhaps he should have just acted like caveman Pike because she sure hadn't picked up on his genuine, loving, and thoughtful but obviously too subtle statements? **WHY NOT?**

It was obvious she didn't trust him personally anymore, had she ever? Heaven knows he'd given her just cause over the years to doubt him and he was truly ashamed of some of the things he had done, but he had changed, he was changing. He was trying so hard to become the man he thought she wanted him to be. Backing off, not making decisions for her, communicating his love for her. Couldn't she see that? **WHY NOT?**

What hurt more if that was possible was her lack of trust for his judgment. When he'd phoned her to ask for backup she didn't even respond the first time and then accused him of just trying to ruin her evening with Pike. How was he supposed to know what she did outside work hours now? She sure as hell didn't know or even care what he did once he was on his own in the evening. In the Office she didn't talk to him unless she had to, just glared at him from time to time from her desk or in the briefing room. Perhaps he should assume she was with Pike whenever. That was probably a safe bet these days but he had never liked safe bets. **WHY NOT?**

Now she wasn't the boss she spent what seemed like hours during the work day receiving and sending phone calls and texts from Pike, all of which made her giggle like a school girl. She would leave the office as soon as she could every night, trying to avoid talking to him or anyone else for that matter. In addition to all that; Pike would appear in the office at odd times almost as though he was checking on her. Perhaps he should try and get hold of her phone and read what Pike was saying to her... or perhaps he could get Wiley to put a tracker on her and give Pike the controls so that he could keep a check on her at all times without interrupting their department's work. No, he didn't want to go there, but there was something… creepy about the Art "department" Agent. She had spoken the truth when she said "He makes the time to be there for me" He didn't seem to have anything else to do; Jane had been honest when he had commented on things being slow in the Art "department".

In his alcoholic induced haze he had to admit that he found the high voice she used when talking to and about Pike irritating, no… infuriating, along with her constant hair tossing. He had always loved the look and feel of her hair when he had been able to sneak a touch of it; its scent was cinnamon and orange blossom, but now she smelt of Pike's shampoo and it just made him feel nauseous. She had changed and to him her behaviour seemed … strangely out of character and after all he had known her for nearly thirteen years. It was even a little unprofessional to be honest and that was a charge he would never have laid at her door. She could quite correctly lay it at his and often had, along with others, but she was behaving like a teenager with her beau; texting him at the dining table; "Meh!"

A picture of her and Pike sitting at either end of a sofa texting each other instead of talking came into his mind … but he quickly pushed it away as he knew they certainly shared a bed and the activities associated with that particular item of furniture. Did she call Pike's name out loud in the throes of her passion, did Pike murmur her name in his waking moments like Jane did every single day. **WHY NOT?**

Through blurry vision, Jane picked up the dictionary he always kept near; "Pike: fish; a respected freshwater predator," he read. "It has a strong, streamlined, camouflaged body, combined with a veritable arsenal of teeth within its elongated jaws." Jane read and smiled again. Predator was a good word to describe the agent who'd pounced within just days of meeting her, his camouflage had been perfect and Patrick Jane had not seen him coming. **WHY NOT?**

She had given him a hard time about having to wear those dresses and the heels he had bought for her for the con. He didn't know where she had got them from but now she wore much more revealing dresses; tighter, shorter, brighter colours and higher heels without complaining; but not for him. **WHY NOT?**

On the plane from New York she had made her feelings quite clear and he had tried his best to respect those wishes. "You don't know me anymore." Her words had deeply scarred him but he acknowledged the truth of them; after all the first rule as a conman was to be honest about yourself to yourself and he truly thought she would see him in a new light as he gave her space to make her own decisions. His heart actually skipped a beat when she came to see him in the detention suite, sat on the edge of his bed and told him she had decided to work with the FBI;

"I was bored. It's my choice."

He remembered the feel of the socks against his cheek. He hadn't been given a present for…years; since…no one had bought him socks for a present since Angela and he first married and they had very little money. Teresa handed him the brown paper bag, had smiled at him and he felt sure he saw a light in her eyes that was more than friendship. She looked proud of him as she found out how he'd pulled a fast one on the whole FBI with the encrypted list. Then when they started to work for Abbott and his team she had avoided him as much as possible, often obviously and the coldness and glaring started. He seemed unable to do anything that made his presence within her orbit anything more than just tolerated. **WHY NOT?**

And tonight… the bombshell… and her blatant lie. He really hadn't seen it coming, rather like Fischer's little subterfuge on the island. He was slipping. She'd even told him at the hospital, with Pike waiting outside the room. The case they were working on was still open; the whole team had been moved by the level of the abuse. Why was Pike there; he wasn't part of their team. There was no art fraud involved in this shabby, seedy world of human trafficking, they weren't short of agents in Abbott's team so why was Pike even there? Lisbon knew how much Jane hated hospitals; how he would want to get out of there as quickly as possible and obviously she'd asked Pike for some time alone with him in the visitors' room. How Pike must have enjoyed that. He imagined the scene;

"_Marcus, darling…Do you mind if I just have a few moments alone with Jane, after all he was my partner for a long time. He probably knows already but I suppose I should really tell him about us? After all, if it wasn't for him we wouldn't have met." Teresa tossed her hair and giggled at Pike._

"_No of course not Teresa, I have a phone call to make. Don't worry I'll come and rescue you from him in two or three minutes. Then we can decide what we're going to do this evening before we go back to my place for …" Pike leered at her and placed his hands on Lisbon's arms, bending to kiss her forehead. "I'll only be two minutes, probably quicker than that. Are you sure you don't need me to come in with you."_

"_No it'll be fine. He'll be fine about it. He probably already knows anyway."_

"_Oh, of course he reads minds doesn't he?"_

_Lisbon giggled as she walked into the Visitors' room where Jane was waiting._

Jane shook his head to rid himself of the image. What depressed him deeply was that after all these years she didn't love him as he had thought she did or as he loved her. She could only spare him two minutes from her busy social schedule, couldn't bear to give him enough time to talk alone; at the office after work or even over a drink. **WHY NOT?**

He didn't need to be a mentalist to know that she didn't love Agent Pike. Even Rigsby would have spotted that and that was saying something. He wasn't even sure that Pike loved her, he certainly seemed to want sole possession of her, but … she had lied and said she was happy and he had always told her that she deserved to be happy, so what else could he do but tell her he was happy too. A lie on a lie. She did deserve a good man and he, Patrick Jane was certainly not a good man. He was trying so hard to be better, to be the man she could love and want to share her life with; but was Pike a good man either?

Then Pike had interrupted them with his; "I've managed to get tickets for… "whatever it was and "have you finished" They hadn't even started and then Pike had called him "Patrick" in that condescending tone, showing his arsenal of teeth. He was Jane. Only Hightower and LaRoche had regularly called him Patrick. Teresa didn't.. **WHY NOT?**

He realized that he loved his Teresa when he shot the deputy; his only link to Red John, but falling in love with her had crept up on him slowly but inexorably. Lorelei and Sean Barlow noticed it and by the time Red John painted her face with Partridge's blood, Jane was helplessly, hopelessly, irrevocably in love with her but she was still in danger and he had no choice but to hide his feelings and leave her behind. When he pulled the car up beside the bluff and held her close, her heart was beating even faster than his but words failed him. He was sure that this would be his last sunset, the last he would ever see and he couldn't burden her with his declaration of love and then die. He knew how it felt to have someone tell you how much they love you and then abandon you. The best he'd been able to say was; "You have no idea how much you mean to me." Why hadn't he had the courage to shout out; "TERESA LISBON: I LOVE YOU WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING, NOW AND FOREVER!" But he hadn't; **WHY ON EARTH NOT?**


End file.
